Do You See Me?

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community... Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.”  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

As we're walking this road to #techresponsibly – 12 Months of Digital Wellness, we began by looking back at 2020. We then moved into intention, building a life over a brand. We had to look at ourselves, our mind, and our body, before taking a look at relationships. And we haven't even ventured into the larger societal issues yet. Simply put, it starts within. We have to look inward before we can even begin to look outward. If you haven't yet, I encourage you to go read the previous months (linked below) to continue on this journey.  People are wired for connection from the beginning, in our very brain function.

"Relationships influence the brain more than anything." 

- Adam Young

We need connection to feel safe. Our nervous systems believe that relational disconnection means we are in danger. Connection not only is a survival mechanism but also directly affects our health and happiness. It helps us survive and thrive. Connection is formed by emotional bonds and interactions, and it is strengthened by mutual experiences. When connection, whether online or off, happens, it's magical—it's what we're designed for.  

We need each other. 

Social media platforms have, no doubt, transformed social connections around the world. When we look at the anxiety, depression, and suicide rates that have been on a drastic rise with social media use and phones, which are underreported, it's hard to deny all that is associated with a physical disconnection from relationships. And after this past year, the suffering from the loss of human interaction is just now catching up with us. We need to consider how our interactions turning digital have inextricably linked our phones with our mental health. 

Phones also have no discrimination—every socioeconomic group, gender, race, age, and geographical area is affected. No one can escape the phone trap because we all need our people, and they are on the other end of these tiny black screens. Or are they?  

Let's take a look at a thing called social capital (our social ties and where our energy and investment go) to understand what kinds of relationships we spend time nurturing online.
Bonding Social Capital:  strong relationships between individuals that allow for emotional support, trust, and companionship.
Bridging Social Capital: weak, distant relationships between individuals that make opportunities available for information sharing and knowledge transfer.  
Both are important and worth paying attention to in terms of how much time we invest and where.  

"Well-being has been extensively associated with social bonds. When we use social media as a tool to deepen our strong-tie relationships (i.e. those with close friends and family rather than acquaintances or weak-tie relationships), our well-being increases. When we use it to consume content or compare ourselves to others, well-being decreases. - Digital Communication Media Use and Psychological Well-Being, Oxford, Oct.2019

Being intentional with relationships online & off directly affects our health & happiness.
 

Social media can be deceptive because it provides the appearance of connection while actually making us lonelier. It does this by making surface interactions with weak-tie relationships incredibly convenient. Dr. Vivek Murthy, physician, former Surgeon General of the US, and author of Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, witnessed loneliness first-hand and began studying its effects. He says of social media, "The ease of interacting with our middle and outer circles replaces true interaction with our inner circles." He's not wrong. We can build a friends list of 750 with the click of a button.
Our deep relationships often take a back seat to:

easier interactions

constant access

shorter convos

faster friends

public view & consumption

unlimited availability

efficient messaging

incredible networking opportunities

social media comment debates 

Many of these things are wonderful and have allowed for incredible relationships and life-giving interactions. But those of us who have had positive engagement and experiences online can get defensive and even be blind to the effect the online world has on our social ties as a whole, specifically in younger generations. We are wise to name the tension created in our relationships by social media and the digital age. It can be amazing and horrifying and everything in between. 

Now, let’s explore our IRL (In Real Life) relationships, which are much slower, more complex, complicated, long-standing, harder, awkward, cringey sometimes even, wonderful, and fulfilling. When was the last lingering conversation you had? Many of us are just scratching the surface of knowing the people in our lives and even knowing ourselves. We're living on that exterior level and not "being with" enough to sink into the deeper waters of knowing and being known. What keeps us from these deep, life-giving relationships?  

We long to be seen, known & loved.

The fear of disconnection, rejection, and pain often keeps us from life-giving relationships. Because we’re wired for connection, we fear disconnection. But this fear can keep us from enjoying what we are designed for. We have so much to offer! Our beauty, our minds, our gifts. We humans are “deep waters,” and we all long to “dive in” to connect with others. We long to be seen, to belong. Whether watching a video of themself dancing on their phone over and over, or looking in your eyes with a big ol’ smile, that 4-year-old is saying, "Do you see me?" Whether logging onto a first social media account or stepping through the door at a new friend's birthday party, that 13-year-old is saying, "Do you see me? Do I belong?” And when we are seen, known, and loved, we thrive. 

But, to be seen also takes vulnerability, and vulnerability comes with a cost. We must be willing to risk disconnection, rejection, and deeper hurt. Sometimes being seen isn't received well and doesn't lead to being known and loved. In my life, I can name moments when I wasn't seen and built walls of disconnection. 

But the truth I discovered over and over again is that being unseen is a greater cost. To be unseen is to hold back, to shrink, to stay voiceless. It might even involve screaming out online "Do you see me?" while not allowing those closest to me access. Being unseen is costing lives every day. We see it in youth, in college students, in parents, in the elderly. So many of us are walking through this world unseen, begging for connection in whatever way we can find it, or cutting it off because it just hurts too much to risk.  God is the One who can break down those walls, and He has little by little in my own life as I pursue healing in the broken places of connection in my story.  I then can pursue those broken pieces in others, my kids, my family - changing the course of lives.

Where have you put up walls against deep connections in your life? What is a moment you can remember that you stopped being seen? Digital immigrants (those of us who remember life before online), go way back to before we could "blame" social media for our disconnection. Find those moments in your story that need tending to and healing in the realm of connection and being seen. And then, name them, make space, tell the truth, and reach out.
Remember that you belong here. We need you. We need to see you.
 

"Live in a world that embraces people, not a world that is preoccupied."

Dr. Vivek Murthy, Together 

-Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, childrensscreentimeactionnetwork, sowthat.com, nielsen

Gaming - Moving Aggression to Perspective

Vulnerable post - 

This mom of three boys is learning. All born after 2005, my young guys are digital natives and know nothing of life before screens were on the scene. Though the world around me and my childhood wasn’t screen-filled, I do vividly remember my first Nintendo entering our home with Duck Hunt and Super Mario Brothers to entertain us on Friday nights. I can feel the excitement in me now when it was finally my turn to play. In addition, I also remember the heat on my face when my Mario guy died right before completing the level on my nineteenth try at that world. I couldn’t move on to the next level and had to redo that world all over again. I almost made it to the end - the rage! 

I was a sister to four brothers and knew gaming well.

Now I’m raising three boys and oh how the gaming industry has evolved since the days of Duck Hunt. Of course, my boys do plenty of other activities. They love Legos and the outdoors. Yet we also let them game. Someone asked me the other day, “Is it hard for you to let your boys play digital games knowing the brain science for kids in addition to knowing the business side of this gaming industry?” The answer: It’s a struggle. It is a letting go. It is a part of the parenting journey.

Isn’t life that way, though? Just as there are dangers and hesitations in handing your teen their first phone, handing them the keys to their first car, setting up their first social media account, saying yes to them going out with friends alone, sending them on their first date - there are these constant “letting go’s” that we do during their life. Hopefully, these experiences happen while our kids are in our homes so we can model, learn, guide, and help set up healthy boundaries. Many times we don’t do these acts without guidelines, conversations, trainings even ( plug here: Smartphone Ed.) do we?

Yes, I know the research on gaming addiction. I do realize that Fortnite has hit more than $1 billion in revenue from people pouring their time and money into this game. I stay up to date on the research of elevated aggression in the brains of the players. This is why we delay access to gaming for our boys while young. As my kids get older into their teen years, we set limits and gradually allow access. I do feel the gaming industry has a hold on a generation that is not only distracting them from their lives but dangerously changing their brains to survive in a virtual world apart from the place they are meant to thrive. This is the very reason it’s important, whether that’s social media or gaming, for us to not run from the digital culture, but to face it, with common sense, age-appropriate healthy habits, and modeling, while pushing for legislative accountability and change in the industry.

The truth is our teens want to be where their friends are and where life is happening. To hold them back from that and not give them age-appropriate access while they are living in our homes can later prove to be a disservice to them. We can hold to our values, pass them on to our kids, and let them be on devices with their friends. It can happen, but it will take pressing through the challenges, setting up time boundaries, keeping to your guidelines, giving consequences for tantrums, listening, questioning, and a lot of learning. This is the hard and intentional parenting life. It is inconvenient. It disrupts our busy. It interrupts our numbing out. And it sets our kids up for a life of guidance and freedom.

Let me set the scene of a moment in our home recently when one of my sons mowed yards to save up for his first X-box. Most of his friends have some sort of gaming device and he wanted to be included in this fun. “FUN” is the important term here. As he and Dad ran to get the Xbox, Mom was typing out the “Wible Home Xbox Guidelines” :) You can roll your eyes there - he wanted to. He was very obviously not happy with the time limits, the 3 strikes of anger and your out rules, and the simple fact that I had any say in his playing time. Through a few days of us back and forth on his frustrations with losing, even yelling at the game I finally sat down with him Tuesday night. I listened to his pleading for no boundaries like his school friends get and so on. I let him get out all of his frustrations with me and I finally said, “I hear you and I’m glad to know how you feel. You wanted to have fun with your friends. You worked hard to pay for this, I know. I also know that your anger and aggression when you have to get off of the game is real. The aggression you feel when you lose or when something in the game is not fair is part of the reason I’m setting up these boundaries. Do you like those feelings when they come up inside you?” “No”, he says. I continue, “The longer you are on the game the more real and important the game becomes to you. So, no I’m not going to let you play for 6 hours into the night. No, you can’t eat dinner and fall asleep to playing this game. Yes, I’m going to take the privilege away and push through your protests when you start violating the guidelines set up. Yes, you bought this with your money, but you live in the home that Dad and I pay for so you are not in charge of these time limits. And most importantly, I love you, your mind, and your life. I want you to learn healthy habits and until you can show us that you are we’re going to make the call. Maybe we can revisit these guidelines and re-adjust after a while if we need to, but you will have to earn those privileges”. I felt a breakthrough with him. He felt seen, heard, and understood at the same time as internally desiring those boundaries.

After that invested time things have been better. The other night before dinner he turned off his game and asked if he could make cookies. After they were done he tasted them and said I can taste every ingredient I put in these. This is my best batch. I love this kid. I know the deeper work of parenting isn’t easy. The inconvenient moments in our day will happen again and we will have to dig deep to help him move from aggression to real-life perspective, but I will keep pressing into what we stand for and allow our kid to hopefully build skills that will help him when he is on his own.

For those of you raising your kids in this digital world, hear me say - we are learning. This is new to all of us. Do you know how many parents say that to me? The studies out there on social media and gaming attached to anxiety, depression, and suicide are not to be ignored and are not to be feared. We don’t throw in the towel and numb out. We don’t run, hide, or pretend the issues our kids are dealing with are not there. We don’t leave them on their own to deal with all this. We don’t take it all away. We model first. We listen - we learn - we guide - we dig deep and do the work of connection and relationships. Because it matters. They matter.

Last week I felt I was losing. Today I feel that I’m learning.

-Dawn Wible

UPDATE (5 years later) Back in 2020, my son decided to sell his gaming system. We offered enough real-life activities with school, friends, and the outdoors, that he opted out of the way the game made him feel and was over it. The good part is it was all his decision. Stay active, parents. Stay involved. It’s worth it.

Due to working ten years in the digital wellness and safety field and parenting three kids/teens in a digital age, I am now more actively participating in online safety policy work to help hold tech companies accountable for the manipulative, unethical, and illegal design of their products.